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Communication skills in marriage and mediated divorce

Thursday, January 18th, 2018

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/12/opinion/sunday/engagement-marriage-conflict.html

Daphne de Marneffe writes in the New York Times about how couples can make the transition over the years from starry eyed newly in love to long term intimate love.  She explains that high emotions are an opportunity to communicate deeply and listen full heartedly to each other.  While we urge our followers to click on the link and absorb her wise message, here’s a particularly stand out quote:  “Through [that] conversation we cultivate the essential emotional attitude in marriage: I can try to understand what you think and feel, without it taking away from my own experience. Your reality doesn’t cancel out mine.”

This is the essence of the work in mediation, both for the mediators and for the parties.  Each client expresses his or her perspective and values around a given issue, and that is held in the room along with the perspective and values of the other.  The work in mediation is first, for the mediator to listen, reflect and understand each party, in the presence of the other.  Parties have time and space to express themselves fully and to hear the other’s experience as well.  In order to come to agreement, each needs to be heard and ultimately be able to understand (not necessarily agree with) the other. This is how compromise comes about. How parties negotiate the terms of their divorce influences how they manage life together and apart post-divorce–the process can serve as a blueprint for improved communication and successful problem solving.

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J.D., Queens, New York

“I can’t imagine two mediators with more integrity and impartiality. They guided us through the difficult process of divorce with incredible knowledge, empathy, and honesty. Because of them, we established a neutral dialogue that has continued to this day. I am deeply grateful to Family Mediation.”

–J.D., Queens, New York

C.A., Manhattan

“Ellie and Abby were able to help resolve a conflict that had seemed irreconcilable after months of efforts by other professionals. Their deep empathy combined with legal expertise gave me the confidence I needed to withstand the most stressful challenge of my life. Their commitment to achieve optimal results went far above and beyond all my expectations.”

–C.A., Manhattan

G.R., Brooklyn, New York

“Thank you both for all your help and hard work. You made a difficult process bearable. Thank you both for listening to me, understanding and then telling me what I needed to hear and know.”

–G.R., Brooklyn, New York

M.B., New York, New York

“I cannot recommend Abby and Ellie from Family Mediation highly enough. These two attorneys are humanistic and effective practitioners of family law. They will help you and your spouse work through any problems that may arise. They are wise and experienced and most of all, they are decent human beings who really care about their clients.”

–M.B., New York, New York

A.T., New York, New York

“Without reservation, I highly recommend Abby and Ellie. They are seasoned professionals whose legal expertise and unique co-mediation teamwork model, coupled with a humanistic approach, was effective in bringing a difficult situation to an amicable conclusion.”

–A.T., New York, New York

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