• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Top Bar Section

Contact Info
212-462-4050 Contact
Family Mediation PLLC
Law Office of Ellie Wertheim
  • Mediation & Legal Services
    • Divorce Mediation
    • Family Mediation
    • Prenuptial Agreements
    • Post-Divorce Mediation
    • Negotiated Settlements
    • Professional and Academic Programs
  • FAQ
  • About Ellie
  • News & Press
  • Blog
  • Contact
The New York Times

Suddeny Single, and in Plain View

Sunday, July 16th, 2006

By Joseph Berger, (original article)

THE suburbs were built for happy families, for husbands and wives who faithfully show up for their children’s soccer games and invite the neighbors over for barbecues. Unhappy families, ”each unhappy in its own way,” as Tolstoy put it, are the ones that make the suburbs slightly uncomfortable.

When a family breaks apart, ”the actual event of it is more visible in the suburbs,” says MaryEllen Linnehan, a lawyer with family practices in Mount Kisco, N.Y. and Manhattan. ”The guy moves out and there’s a big moving truck in front of the house, and all the wife’s neighbors are watching.”

When the wife finds a new boyfriend, his Humvee or Corvette is parked in the driveway. When the ex-husband arrives to pick up the children, everyone knows. Not only is New York City more accustomed to such goings-on — it has a higher proportion of divorced people — but apartment buildings honeycombed with single people mask a marriage’s breakup and the follow-up dating better than a cul-de-sac with sedate colonials framed by hushed lawns.

”I felt very watched, much more than I would have had I been living in an apartment,” said Laura, who lives in southern Westchester and like other divorced women interviewed asked that her last name be omitted for privacy’s sake.

The attitude was brought home when a neighbor’s husband left and a second neighbor, clearly agitated, told her: ”Now they’re going to start dating different people. They should all just move so we don’t have to watch this.”

As a fetching suddenly single woman, Laura was perceived as a threat. She remembers playfully putting her hand on one husband’s shoulder and the wife playfully admonishing her, ”Don’t put your hand on my husband!” The sarcasm, Laura felt, came packed with a stiletto of warning.

Divorced men suffer in their own ways. Try arranging a sleepover for a 12-year-old daughter’s friends without a wife around and measure the volts of parental nervousness.

These thoughts on the suburban ”Ice Storm” were prompted by the happenstance of a recent conversation with Ms. Linnehan, who is part of a new approach to crumbling marriages called collaborative divorce. Rather than head right into a courtroom, the parties sit down with lawyers, accountants and therapists to work out financial and custody arrangements everyone can live with. What was provocative was her remark that in the suburbs the collaborative approach was ”catching on more quickly than in the city, and it may have to do with feeling more alone out here.”

Feeling more alone in Familyland? On reflection it seemed so obvious.

”People socialize in couples in the suburbs, so when there’s a breakup, it ripples down through the friends and families who live close by,” said Nancy Segore-Freshman, a divorce lawyer in Westport who also uses the collaborative approach. ”In the city, people do a lot more things independently.”

Dinner parties don’t always include a divorced man or woman; they don’t quite fit the family picture. And a two-level house, after all, can be an awfully big place to putter in alone after the children are off to college.

”You come home every night and there’s just you and the dog when you’re used to having the husband and kids around, ” said Elizabeth of Pelham, N.Y. ”And the stuff you did when they were in school, you don’t have that anymore. Soccer, hockey, that was a full-time job in the suburbs.”

There are also more suburban trappings — mortgages, alarm systems, garage door openers — that maybe the husband had always handled. The suburban divorced woman has to pick up the slack, and she can’t just call the super.

Then imagine the forced reunions. Graduation day on a high school field with neighbors who have been there for every concert and play since kindergarten. The ex-husband and ex-wife sit next to each other to make the graduate feel good, but what is everyone thinking?

Suburban divorced people do not have the same opportunities to meet new partners. There are few singles’ night at churches. Why bother? Single people, ex-husbands included, often live in apartment buildings clustered near the train stations and are not part of the community of families.

Of course, there may be some upsides to a divorce in the suburbs. Abby Tolchinsky, a lawyer who mediates broken marriages, said cul-de-sac friendships often mean that when divorce hits there is more help.

”I’m thinking of a girlfriend,” she said. ”She had a tremendous amount of emotional support — friends picking up kids, offering to car-pool, friends offering to analyze her finances.”

And Laura pointed out that even in the suburbs, divorce, tough as it will be to weather, may be the better option. She told of a friend whose husband walked out right after their daughter left for college.

”It became apparent,” she said, ”that maybe they’d been playing a charade all the time.”

Filed Under: News and Press

Primary Sidebar

What Our Clients Say...

Footer Testimonials Section

Random Slideshow

A.T., New York, New York

“Without reservation, I highly recommend Abby and Ellie. They are seasoned professionals whose legal expertise and unique co-mediation teamwork model, coupled with a humanistic approach, was effective in bringing a difficult situation to an amicable conclusion.”

–A.T., New York, New York

J.D., Queens, New York

“I can’t imagine two mediators with more integrity and impartiality. They guided us through the difficult process of divorce with incredible knowledge, empathy, and honesty. Because of them, we established a neutral dialogue that has continued to this day. I am deeply grateful to Family Mediation.”

–J.D., Queens, New York

G.R., Brooklyn, New York

“Thank you both for all your help and hard work. You made a difficult process bearable. Thank you both for listening to me, understanding and then telling me what I needed to hear and know.”

–G.R., Brooklyn, New York

M.B., New York, New York

“I cannot recommend Abby and Ellie from Family Mediation highly enough. These two attorneys are humanistic and effective practitioners of family law. They will help you and your spouse work through any problems that may arise. They are wise and experienced and most of all, they are decent human beings who really care about their clients.”

–M.B., New York, New York

C.A., Manhattan

“Ellie and Abby were able to help resolve a conflict that had seemed irreconcilable after months of efforts by other professionals. Their deep empathy combined with legal expertise gave me the confidence I needed to withstand the most stressful challenge of my life. Their commitment to achieve optimal results went far above and beyond all my expectations.”

–C.A., Manhattan

Footer Main Section

Contact Info
Family Mediation PLLC
270 West 17th Street
Suite 6-i
New York, NY 10011

P: 212-462-4050
F: 212-944-1497
Email: nyfamilymediation@gmail.com
Map
270 West 17th Street, Suite 6-i, New York, NY 10011
Button
Find out if divorce mediation is right for you. Interested couples receive a free, one-hour consultation.

Free Consultation
Privacy   |   Website Design by Team of Horses   |   ©2005-2023 Family Mediation PLLC - Law Office of Ellie Wertheim